The heart whispers....

Have you ever felt like you heart and soul was whispering to you to do something? To make a change or start something new? The whispers deep within me had been stirring for a few years. I had been telling Nate and my closest girlfriends that I wanted a flower shop, that I wanted to be a florist. That it was my "dream job". I just absolutely love and enjoy buying and arranging flowers to give as gifts or for events. Just give me a few hours with flowers and I'm in heaven. But it didn’t feel super realistic, this dream goal of working with flowers. I would come to find out as I dug deeper (farmer pun intended) that it’s usually how dream goals work… they push the boundaries of what you think is possible.

On Dec 31st, 2018, around 8:30pm as Nate and I were waiting for the NYE ball drop (we celebrate East Coast time cause even 9pm is pushing our bedtime), I signed Nate and I up for a Tony Robbin’s seminar and deemed 2019 as the year of studying the mind. I had devoted the past decade to studying the body through being a yoga teacher and I was ready to start digging deeper into what makes us who we are, how we experience life, and how to create the life we want. Of course this will be a lifelong study, but through lots of meditation and prayer, hiring an absolutely AMAZING life coach, attending workshops & retreats, reading books & blogs and listening to podcasts on all kinds of mind stuff, my dream goals turned from whispers into loud clapping and cheering. Being willing to truly listen to my heart and the wisdom that was trying to come through was scary at first, but just like training the bicep, you start to train yourself to listen to your heart and life unfolds with so much synchronicity and magic. We all have our own internal guidance system that is trying to guide us down the path of our true joy and happiness. But often we doubt it (for many reasons, but often it is fear of judgment, failure, or being unloved). And while the doubts creep in sometimes, I have done a lot of work to tune into MY internal guidance system and not worry about others.

So as I started to really reflect and tune into what I really wanted, I realized that I didn't necessarily want to own a flower shop, more so I wanted to grow the flowers. Growing flowers, specifically roses, has always been something my family did. I will get more into our family history of growing in another blog post, but know, growing roses runs deep in both mine and Nate’s families. The clarity of my dreams was that I wanted to have a homestead, a farm, and grow roses (and our food too!). I wanted to have space in the middle of the busyness of the city to experience peaceful beauty. 

I had told my husband in Dec of 2018 that I wanted to sell our home. At that time it didn't have anything to do with wanting a flower farm (because I didn’t even know I wanted one yet!), I just knew that wasn't the right house for us. We planned to sell our house in May as we had international travel plans coming up and didn't want to be mid-sell or mid-move while we were gone. Our plans were to sell our house and move in with Nate’s dad (Poppa Jim!), until we found a home, remodeled it, and added a guest house for Poppa. Then we would sell Poppa's house and all move to the new house together.

I don't remember exactly when this all came to be so clear in my heart. But I do know that in mid-March of 2019 my husband and I were at Tony Robbins’ "Unleash the Power Within" conference and that was the first time I ever wrote it on paper that I wanted a flower farm. Thank God for my amazing husband, although reluctant at first because well let’s be honest, it’s not his dream goal to have a flower farm, has totally come around to the idea and is now 100% on board, supportive, and excited for it!

On April 4th, 2019 I opened a gmail and Instagram account for fillmoreflowerfarm... just wanted to make sure I secured the name! :) 

Later that month I was in Bali leading a yoga retreat and that was the first time I ever told people other than my immediate family about the flower farm. Saying it out loud made it feel super real, but also made me doubt it almost immediately. Like what was I thinking?!? Who was I to have a flower farm?!? I already had this amazing dream job as a yoga teacher and studio manager that had me surrounded with incredible people and took me to amazing places like Bali and Costa Rica to lead retreats! Did I really deserve to have another dream job?!? I remember talking with my friend and mentor, Rachelle, in Bali. I told her that I was feeling a bit guilty about wanting this new "dream job" when I already had my "dream job" as a yoga teacher. Is it ok to have two dream jobs and to do them both? Her response was confident and certain: "YES! absolutely." From that moment I have never doubted it again.

We sold our house in May in 10 days and the search for the farm began!